####real post#### It's About Time I Let You In

####real post#### will be about hard times and vulnerable times.  Fuck it times.  Times when you are down and need to know... someone else has been through it.  You are not alone.

I'm still going through change.

Change.  Transition.  Whatever.  That's what others will call it.  Adjusting.  Mourning.

The thing I find hard is, well, that I still think about what I had over a year later.  I was a good man.  A good husband.  A good father.  Not someone who deserved what they got.

I have no grandiose feelings of being perfect or blameless.  I take responsibility.

However.  No one deserves what I have been through.  People have offed themselves for less.

This is a truthful blog.  One that doesn't split hairs.  I will be very intentional in format and in topics.  But I will also disrupt them.  Like this.  A disruption.  An eruption.  You just won't be able to help it.

So here are some eruptions and how i handled them.

I beat the hell out of myself with a log.  As in, black eyes and face with cuts.  I drug around a tree with me as I didn't want to take it out on others.  I could have.  After infidelity, drug abuse and putting kids in danger a lot of emotions tend to come your way.  It's ok.  But you have to manage them.

Call your friends.  Call your family.  Call the insurance company.  Call a national abuse hotline.  I did them all.  It's ok.  They won't judge and if they do fuck them.

Your focus should always be reconciliation and forgiveness.  Not that it will happen.  But those are good places to come from.

So back to thinking.  I am cursed it seems.  Over a year now and I am still thinking about three nights.  At best three weeks.  And I am replaying them over in my head.  It sucks.  I'll deal with it.  But it tells me a few things:

1. I'm still Processing
2. I don't need extra complication in my life.  I need to focus on me and my kids.
3. I need to give myself forgiveness
4. The hardest.  I still harbor bad shit for the ex.  I need to forgive her.
5. I am not whole yet.  Not at my best until I am.

Everything around you will be effected.  You are a pariah.  that's ok.  But focus on being more than you were in aggregate yesterday.  That's the way to get better.  Change your behavior.  Then seek to change your outcomes and default outlook.
####real post####